Don'tcha Know?

So it's been pretty long since I've updated this damn thing but here I go!

I left Buffalo Wild Wings because I wasn't making any money... it was beyond horrible. I never really felt like I  "belonged" there when I was there. I kinda felt like I was alone for the most part. I've started a new job & its going well. I have finally left the serving world and returned to the hotel world! With this new job I have found out that I enjoy working overnight MUCH better than anytime during the day. At night I'm up so now I get to get paid while being up all night :0) It's my first "full time" job so I hope I can handle it.... the nice part is that I get decent steady pay and a steady schedule.... not to mention a sweet hotel discount.

Last Saturday we went to a wedding for one of Ryan's best friends from his childhood. It was really small and intimate - definitely the smallest I've ever been to - but it was really nice. Everyone just seemed happy and stress free during the wedding, that was nice to see. We got a hotel room downtown for it which was also nice. We don't normally get to go anywhere (mainly because $$ & miss addie mae) or hang out that much (because of our schedules) so it was nice to get out for a night just the two of us.

All in all, my life still isn't that exciting but I'm doing alright :)

It's hard to dance with the devil on your back so shake it off...

So it's been ages since i've actually updated this thing but here i go!

I quit bdubs.... made no money working there and got basically no hours, not to mention i needed to get the hell out of the restaurant industry. I just recently got a job working at hotel (here i go again) working at the front desk. my hours aren't really going to be too "normal" but then again, i'm not normal haha good thing is i'll have steady hours (40hr/week), benefits and steady pay :) not to mention badass hotel discounts. my disability still hasn't gone through.... all the times i called them they said they didn't need anything else then i get something MORE to fill out yesterday in the mail? fuck you disability. luckily i won't need it once i start working and get my benefits. i've been pretty up and down lately for some reason. my anxiety is through the roof (thanks brain, you suck). i would think the older i get, the less anxiety i would get but thats surely not the case. a couple years ago i didn't even know what anxiety was (even though i was feeling it a LOT) and now i feel like it never goes away. it's really messing with my sleep lately. i was sleeping alright for awhile and the past few nights i haven't been able to fall asleep or stay asleep. i train tonight for work from 7p-3a and i'm thinking of just going to the gym after work and trying to pull an all nighter.... but we'll see how that works out. i really need to get in shape. i have kept off 8-10lbs since march which is nice but i need to tone and just get into a routine so i can get in shape. i was also thinking of going on a gluten free diet to try it but not too sure if that will work. i don't cook nor do i ever have $$ to buy food..... and i basically live off noodles.

Fear

So things have been looking up for the most part. Ryan and I have been spending more time together which is very good. Now, onto the shitty stuff. First my car decides not to work. It just stops. I can't even describe what it does besides just stop lol. So then I go and try to fill 2 of my prescriptions and found out that I no longer have insurance.... awesome. This all means I can't fill any of my meds until my disability comes through. I'm actually pretty scared I will spiral out of control either fast or slow. I am just now experiencing a cycle which I have't had in a LONG time. I can't even remember the last time I cycled. Without my meds, I'll probably go through some horrible withdrawal symptoms which I am afraid of. I'm afraid my anxiety will sky rocket sometime soon. Another bad thing, my face should start breaking out somewhat soon because I can't fill my birth control which controlled my acne as well. I started going to a group every other week but since I won't be on my meds I'll be going to it every week so I can stay sane. I feel so euphoric when I come home from my meetings. Usually we have people over or I have a bad day or something to the point where I don't want to go but I know I should. From now on, I'm going every week so I can have somewhere to go that's safe, a place to cry, a place to relate to the others (most of the group is Bipolar or unspecified mood disorder) because everyone has experienced something similar in the past few years. I purposely took off Sunday nights so I can go to the meetings and not miss. I know it's going to be a good thing. Maybe then I'll find out how to cope without my old methods...

Hell on Heels

Heyo! My mood has been a little better since I filed my taxes... because I know I'm getting a fair amount back which will be nice. My first plan is to register my car and do all that crap FINALLY after more than a year of living here. Then it's time to pay bills and such until I get a job. The snow is finally melting so Monday I'm going to start my job hunt again. I wish a miracle would just happen and I would land a job.... and maybe a real job. I'm finished getting my hopes up about jobs. I'm gonna treat everyone the same and have NO expectations. If you don't have expectations you can't ever be disappointed or pissed at least that's the way I think of it. I just need to get out of the house. These previous weeks have been horrible. I missed my meeting Sunday because we were watching the Superbowl. I AM going this Sunday. I'm trying to make myself since it's built up of peers talking to peers - not to mention I'm pretty sure I have to keep getting treatment because of me filing for disability. Only thing that really sucks, well two things, is 1) the time it takes for disability to go through and 2) they prefer me not to work at all (according to one interviewer) but the first person I talked to told me I can (or have to... not sure) work a minimum of 5hrs.... then they say I CAN'T work more than 20... which I think will be easy. My problem is when I'm working in restaurant business I tend to pick up doubles for more money or a shift on a day I don't work. I recently reactivated my FB account and things are alright. Trying not to spend much time on it because sometimes it just gets depressing.

Last night I ended up going to the Nuggets game with Ryan because our neighbor wasn't feeling good. It was really nice just going out and getting all dolled up (hey, I don't go out much so its fun to get dolled up). My make up, cute clothes, and heels have to get used at sometime and last night was an opportunity. I also met Ty Lawson for the first time. Ryan has known him for the past year and I've never met him so it was finally nice to meet him. It also felt pretty cool to go down to the bench and meet him. We had "family/guest" passes for after the game but we just left to go home. Even though the Nuggets lost - it was a nice "date" night :) Randomly thinking, the good thing about FB is the Spotify app it has and it's now on my desktop and I can listen to songs without listening to youtube or worrying about watching the videos (although I do enjoy watching endless amounts of music videos). Tonight is Megan's birthday so were going to a show at the brewery she works at!

It's Not Like You To Leave In The Middle Of A Song

I don't know what's up with me lately. I have no money. I can't find a damn job. I barely leave the house. I don't really hang out with anyone. I haven't smiled in days, maybe weeks. I'm just giving up on myself. I went to my first support group which was nice. The were only 4 of us but it was fine. We basically just talked about random things in our life and how we experience the same things as each other. It was actually quite comforting. There's no real therapist, it's just peer to peer support group. I hate job searching more than anyone knows. I had 2 good leads then they just fizzled away. It's super annoying when that happens and just makes me more depressed. Even if I were to search everyday and hit every place in boulder I wouldn't find a damn job. I hate being jobless. I hate knowing the fact I have no money to go out or even leave my house for that reason. Ryan and I have just been fighting basically non stop because of the stress that the finances leave us. We're going through a rough patch which blows. If I had a job, this all would probably stop. Granted my anxiety would be pretty high up there when I start a new job but at least I'll have money. He made me file for disability so I'm still waiting for all that stupid shit to go through. I have no idea when I'll get money. It makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit knowing the fact I can't help out with bills or pay anything. I can't pay to go out for dinner, I can't go out with my friends at night. I can't do anything without a job or without money. Everything just sucks right now. I'm in such a funk I feel like I'm never going to get out of it. I see no light at the tunnel. I still haven't reactivated my facebook account. I feel like that would just make me more depressed if I see what everyone else is up to. Without facebook, no one can randomly contact me out of nowhere and my relationship won't get destroyed. I've figured out facebook for the most part sucks. I love seeing what my friends are up to and playing the games on there but seeing "models" and all these nice pictures it just makes me depressed. I'm extremely depressed. I can't remember the time I felt like this. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed. Mostly I just wish I could sleep all the time. That way I don't see anyone or have to fight with anyone or even talk to anyone. I could only wish....

Fuck Off

I am SOOOO sick and tired of people. I feel like people are out to get me and I'm sick of it. Every time someone pops back into my life it just makes more confusion and more problems. I get hit on by guys online YET i say nothing bad about it. I am Ryan's and always will be. People need to get over me and move on. I know that sounds stuck up but it needs to end... for real. I've been so used to being used by guys that I just block it all out. I've learned to not pay attention to it. I know it's not acceptable but it's just what i've built up and I'm able to sit there and take it. I'm used to people talking to me in inappropriate ways, I've learned how to block that out as well. I shut down when I have a fight with ryan, especially about this stuff. We got into a HUGE argument the other day over one of my "friends" sitting there and hitting on me online. I never said anything bad or leading... actually I mentioned Ryan a lot and how happy I am with him. Instead my "friends" sit there and message Ryan apologizing which just opens a whole other can of worms. Some people just need to leave my life and stay out of it. I deactivated my Facebook account because I was so sick of people. I deactivated it sometime last week and haven't caved to reactivate it. I wish I had some real friends out here. I have people who are my friends but I have my close girls back home and I wish they were here.

Jill, I wish you were here. you wouldn't let anyone talk to me the way they do. you would try to beat their ass or tell them off. you're much stronger than i am. you're even stronger than me while you sit in Heaven and look over me. I truly believe you look over me just like my nana does. I miss you both terribly and it hurts everyday thinking about all of it. your mom is proud of me for the choices i've made in my life. why did you die so young? why did you leave me to fight all this by myself? i love you. i wish you were here. i often sit and wonder what we would be today. would you still be randomly popping up at my house? would you have cleaned yourself up to face a new world? when i was diagnosed bipolar, i was granted a new life. i think if you would have finished your program, you would have been granted a new life as well. a huge burden would have been lifted off your shoulders. i know you could change, you just couldn't believe in yourself because you were so angry. why did you start hanging out with all the people who weren't really your friends? why didn't you come to me for help? i was always there for you unconditionally and i still have unconditional love for you even though you're no longer here with my physically. can you please visit me in my sleep again? i hate dreaming but i am happy to see you. i feel you have used me to communicate with others. i'll never forget the dream i had and i was the only one who could see you and you just talked to me like you wanted me to tell the people around me. when we were younger, it was just me, you, tina, and jen. it was like we ruled the world when we were all together. you and i were inseparable from the moment we met. i love you. i miss you more than you'll ever know.

Smells Like Teen Spirit....

boo things suck. Its just the job search part that sucks. kinda stressful right now. mind has been racing. i find myself everyday trying to find different ways of numbing myself as bad as it sounds. ijust dont want to be bothered with anything or anyone. i just want to sleep in peace. have you ever used Spotify? it's awesome. my new favorite thing. you can literally listen to anything on the radio. any song, any artist any anything! its a FB app. but i believe you can just DL it. i'm not sure. i searched it on FB and came upon the app i have now. it's cool. you can see what others are listening to online and all that fun stuff. make a weird playlist or steal music ideas from peers.... which ever works for you. I have got to have the worst journal on here because it's just random shit.... haha

You Can't Stop The Beat

My mind is just racing today... more than normal for some reason. i find myself just staring at something and then stop. it's getting confusing with my dreams, i don't remember if it actually happened or was just something in my dreams that happened. it's to the point where i have to ask if something actually happened.  music seems to be the only thing that calms me and doesn't ever piss me off. i really hope i get this job at bdubs, finally go back to work and do something i think I'm relatively good at. it helps too that i've already worked for the company for 2yrs on and off. i love listening to Ronald Jenkees or Buckethead. the music is relaxing and just instrumental and kinda actually helps stop or lessen the racing thoughts. i'm trying to go to the gym 3x's a week and i've barely been eating (just not hungry much, nothing to worry about) and if i do, it's something small to eat since i've never been into actually eating meals. this post is just full of random thoughts going in and out of my brain. guess this is the only way to get it out is to write. i've become obsessed with Glee Season 7 CD and excited i got House season 7 to watch/fall asleep to. Oddly enough right now, i'm in a movie mood. i got Horrible Bosses from the Red Box yesterday because i always thought it would be a funny movie and it got good reviews... only to find that ryan already got it one time and i wasn't interested in watching... something that i don't remember. my memory is also being weird. i feel like i can't remember anything. it bothers me.

It's been awhile but I'm back in town

So it's been quite some time on updating this. Christmas was fine. Went to VA for xmas the weekend of the 17th then spent actual xmas doing nothing... besides going to iHop :) it feels nice that you aren't actually obligated to do something on xmas. not much else has been going on here. Ry and I got a MacBook Pro for xmas as a joint present. it's a pretty awesome computer but i'm still learning non-PCs lol. i once again got 2 Coach purses this year :) as well as some other awesome stuff. Ry and I got to spend our anniversary together which is a rare thing. We both didn't work New Years Eve and got to spend it together... even if we didn't do anything, it was nice :)

Look What Momma Found.... Why did you leave me so soon?

This is a note that I wrote to myself and to Jill if she could hear me from Heaven. My mom found the not I wrote while she was cleaning and redo-ing the whole house. Take a look, the first time I read this (i normally don't read random journal entries i write, i just write them) I could barely get through it. I was bawling.

Damn, lately I've been thinking about you a lot. I miss you so much it's insane. It's almost been a year since you left but I can't get over it. I haven't come to visit yet. Something about it scares me. Cemetaries scare me and make me uncomfortable. I would sit there and bawl my eyes out to you about everything. I love when you come visit me in my sleep. I miss you so much. You left me too soon. I wasn't ready. it hurts so bad to know I can't ever see you again. When I found out the news I crashed. I didn't believe it nor did I want to beileve it. I became hysterical. Everytime I think about any of it, it overwhelms me. I hate it. I hate that you're gone. I know you're better where you are now. You don't hurt anymore. You don't worry about disappoiting the people who love you. You don't worry about life. You aren't in the physicaly or psychological pain you were in for so long. I hate that you're gone. It hurts so bad. So many unanswered questions. Why did you flee? Why did you run! You were almost done and were doing awesome. Why did you have to go through so much pain thatthe end had to happen? You were almost done! Why did you Run? WHy were you found dead in that morning last November? Why didn't I get a chance to say goodbye? Why?!

JDW  08/02/1986-11/21/2006

Goodbye Boulder, Hello Great Falls

Tomorrow is the big day! Well we just leave to go to VA for christmas. it should be fun. according to the weather it's going to be in the mid 40s which is pretty cold (compared to the cold dry and sun i'm used to) so i'm basically bringing home all my long sleeved stuff. don't believe we're going out anywhere that requires nothing more than regular attire... kinda like boulder :) We don't leave until 7pm and some odd minutes so we wont get to VA until 12:34am on satruday which means we're not going to be to sleep until at least 2:30am or 3am... and might have christmas breakfast/brunch saturday morning. it'll be a busy weekend of course and i'll be all sorts of worn out because of the travel. i feel like it takes me a day or so to get used to the time change. it seems to screw me over every time it happens. i don't know if i'll be doing work when i'm there... chances are i'll have to follow once or twice. i'm going to sit down with ry's dad and show him what i don't know how to do (i.e. making JUST SOLD cards for the 3 houses he's telling me to make them for. i don't even know if he's actually made them lol. when we get back from our little vacation i am going to look for another part time/full time job so i have stuff to do and ryans going to look for a new job. he's over PF Changs and has no chance of advancement so why stay with them? i think it'll be a good move for him. he's thinking of going into real estate which will make 3 of us in that field and he'll be able to help me on some things until i get the hang of everything. apparently me entering this real estate field was the BUSIEST time for ryan's dad of the year... no wonder i have no clue what i'm doing.

Death & Dying

I feel like everyone around me is dying or has someone dying in their family. It's really hard to watch the different coping mechanisms. I couldn't imagine losing a parent... even losing my dad who really hasn't been a parent my whole life. I think of him on a friend level and it took a while to even consider him on that level. Why do deaths happen in 3s? I've already seen 3 celebrity stories about death recently, and now in the real world we're up to 1, going on 2... who's gonna be the 3rd in this situation? It's so creepy and weird about deaths in 3s....

Everyone enters your life for a reason.... why though?

Let's see, where do I begin? I took a 2 week vacation to MI because I never get to really see anyone or spend any time with people the last few times I went home. My first week home was good. Hung out with mom, relaxed, and just hung out with people who actually mean something to me. Thanksgiving was fine, nothing special. The day before Thanksgiving was awesome. It was Linz bday and it felt good to get out of the house and just go out and not care about anything. Went to the post and we all realized we weren't really into that scene except to make fun of the people at the bar. We now (ive known for me) realize we are old enough to be those people who sit at the bar and just chat it up with the bartender :) I also didn't have my license for a few days at home because I lost if at the Denver airport... that's how my vacation actually started. Couple days into week 1, I got together with Sarah Swazey, Jenna Lemorie, Danielle Riddle and Elissa Tamm to visit jill on her anniversary. it felt really nice to just go there with them and share memories or just talk about our lives. Anyway, week 2 absolutely sucked. Couple situations to throw out there, not mentioning names:

Situation 1: been friends for awhile.... years and i get a text ending a friendship (basically) which pissed me off

Situation 2: GROW SOME BALLS OF YOUR OWN. Started out a morning with some "psycho bitch" (as her bf calls her... for real) telling me that she was gonna beat my ass if she saw me in person. I simply replied with "you're bf calls you a "psycho bitch", glad you just proved your point. don't contact me again." then I went on FB and blocked her from anything important visible on my FB and i reported her for harassment for 2 different accounts. Now try fucking with me bitch...

Situation 3: Having a good day at the bar, meeting up with Dez & Todd for happy house and catching up with them (as well as Linz and her sister Lauren for a bit) I made a phone call and got news I didn't want to hear or get the news that specific way. Ended up having 2 panic attacks and just becoming severely manic and out of control

Situation 4: Ok, things happened in the past. I'm not hooking up with you. I'm in a serious relationship. Why did you pay attention to where I live considering you live here too.... actually in Aspen so far but point of story, we can be friends, we can grab drinks when you're in town... end  of story

Situation 5: ex boyfriend enters your life. Granted, when we were together we weren't in good places in our lives. things were said and we didn't talk for awhile. then once you reached out to me and apologized, we were cool. i have no problem being friends with people if they apologize (if it's needed in the situation), own up to what happened and will take time to be friends with you. Well kinda caught me off surprise when you contacted me (which don't get me wrong, i do enjoy it) and made me laugh and just had fun. You apologized too much. I understand what happened after it happened. We will never have a romantic situation (even though you're in love with me) because I am very happy in my relationship. I cherish our friendship and hopefully we'll be able to meet up sometime in the future and just go out for a good time.

Clearly, my 2nd week was full of ups and downs but mostly down. My last night in town i found out one of my best friends in college actually lived by me and NOT where I thought he did lol. We talked about memories and laughed about them. Me, Andrew & Jordan just had an awesome time just talking and us filling her in on memories that were crazy. My mom came up which made it even more fun. People see where I get so much of me from (andrew noticed) my mom... Now that she's met Andrew, she wishes he was about 40yrs older and wants him to marry KT. Andrew and I came to the conclusion (which we never thought of back then), that we dated on and off in college, just never made anything official. I guess you get wiser as you get older? It was awesome just having the whole day of happy hour with people that you love. I also helped him which I've been trying to help him for over a year now to get over or understand his ex and what happened. he has finally after a year of chatting and me playing therapist, he understands that he did nothing wrong (first step of healing!) and now he just has to get past the whole forgetting the person deal (which i have to break to him, you may never be able to forget someone for specific reasons.) It was a great way of ending my vacation, spending time with those 3 people on my last day.

I think next time I take a vacation, I'm not going for as long. Depending on where you go, sometimes 2wks is too long. I learned basically none of the girls talk to each other which is sad because all of us were such a support system to each other. I didn't get to see Julie or Jenny because our schedules clashed. Everyone's either working or in school (some of them, both) when I was home. Well, that about wraps up my vacation!

Oh airport I love thee

Got up at 4AM which sucked. Luckily somehow I'm not that tired. Nothing a grande peppermint mocha can't fix :) Off to home I go for 2weeks. Fruit and yogurt has become a new favorite of mine. I used to get them from McDonalds because it's only a dollar there and apparently at Starbucks they're only 90cents. I love having free wifi in the airports, its so useful. Like playing on the computer, blogging, watching youtube videos, playing simply hospital on facebook... you know all the important things in life haha Ok I'm bored of this and have run out of things to say! toodles!

Hello Charlotte, North Carolina

Well I'm on my long lay over... my plane actually got in early. Best part, the airport has free wifi! So I can just sit and play on the computer until it's time to board. My plane doesn't leave until 830 (i think) but boarding is at 8. I swear the guy next to me was narcoleptic... He ordered a gingerale and he was asleep before the lady even gave it to him. he kept doing it the whole flight. wake up for 2 seconds then his head would fall and he'd be out again. it was weird but quite amusing at the same time. I don't know what i would be doing if i didn't have internet at this airport. I've been facebooking and searching for airfare for KT to come home in december for christmas. it's so funny seeing people on the little airport golf carts that "assist" the people who need help walking... most of them are just fat. One thing I've noticed on this trip is there hasn't been one frickin' Starbucks in any of my terminals. I've had to walk literally from one end of the airport to the total other end of the stupid airport both times.... at Denver and at Dulles. Luckily I don't need Starbucks this late at night or else I would be on a mission to find it. I feel like it shouldn't be that heard to get a peppermint mocha... mmmm. Sadly I have to get up super early tomorrow which sucks... 740AM doc appointment blows. Although I might actually go work out afterwards just to get it out of the way or I may just go back to sleep when I get home. My appointment won't last more than 15minutes so who knows. Well I've run out of things to say, on to Denver i go!

Oh the stresses of starting a new job...

I got flown out to VA to attempt to learn more about the ins and outs of my new job as being a "virtual assistant" for Ryan's dad. I got LOTS of printouts i have to look over and figure out where the go in my nice little neatly organized binder. These time changes have killed me so I've just totally been exhausted. First I lose 2hrs then I gain 1hr... you think the gaining would have helped but it definitely hasn't helped anything with my time. To make matters worse, when I get home tomorrow probably around 11:30pm, I have a 7:40AM doctor appointment. on wednesday. That's not gonna be very fun and I probably will be half asleep driving to the appointment. This trip has been strictly business and just shadowing Bob everyday nice and early. I'm love visiting VA but I am definitely looking forward to going home to see my loves: Addie Mae & Ryan :) then 6 days later, I get to go to MI for 2weeks which I am DEFINITELY looking forward to NOT having a specific agenda and just relaxing. I need to start going to the gym and lose 20lbs. Not gonna be fun but I have to do it. I am excited to get my new tattoo when I go home then see my college friends (heather tyler andrew brian) and then of course seeing my best friend in the whole wide world kelly! Today I didn't do anything for work. I felt sick and like i was going to throw up so I spent the whole day (for the most part) in bed... Just wasn't feeling well AT ALL. I did get to see the twins/baby juliet/marie. It was fun... they haven't taken the halloween costumes off since halloween happened. Wonder what goes on in a 3yr old mind...in a 7month old mind, they like to just roll around and pose on the floor and it's quite cute! Well I'm out for now, hopefully you people who read this consider this a happier post than my last few I have done. This is the first time I'm actually trying to write a blog. I'll probably write a blog when I get to the airport tomorrow because I think i read there was free wifi or I just might pay the $5 or something since I'll be there 2hrs before.

Overcome fear and nothing will hold you back

Since I've last written things have been looking up. I'm SOOOO excited to be able to go home and just visit and see people. Not really to have an agenda is going to be amazing. I'll get to see the animals (even though I love my little Addeline), spend a holiday with my mom and see the girls. I'm even planning on spending a night or 2 on the west side of the state to see kelly, heather, tyler and andrew. I wish that time would pass so I can go home already. My moods haven't been so shifty. They put me on an antidepressant which I think has been helping. I didn't want to go on another med but I figured it would be cheaper than going to therapy as much as I would need it. I found out that I had 2 panic attacks so now I know what they feel like. I still get VERY anxious and frustrated with my new job. Luckily Ry has been  helping out as much as he can (he speaks his dads language). The antidepressant is also to take my panic/anxiety down because it's WAY too high on most of the days. I especially get anxious when I'm trying to figure out how to do my work that I'm suppose to do. I'm debating whether or not to get another job but apparently I'm entering the real estate business for Bob at one of the busiest times so he barely knows what's going on. Hopefully soon I'll understand what I'm doing. I've made a huge binder or templates and all the housing contracts he's sent me. I have to figure out the ins and outs of this Keller Williams site (he's maybe visited it once) so it's my job to figure out the site. I could call someone but I'd feel like a dumbass asking "yea, how do you work this site" when there are tutorial videos all over the site over everything. The only problem is me getting to watch them. I don't have a very large attention span unless its listening to music which actually gets me through all the rest of the computer stuff I get assigned to do... music solves everything damnit! On a different note, I'm getting a tattoo when I go home which I'm really excited about and I'm hoping Jordan can join me because it speaks of our journey of life. It's gonna hurt like a bitch because it's going on my ribs then I'll probably pass out. I should probably take  a couple of Valium when it goes on... maybe that will calm my nerves and NOT make me pass out. I also might make a move to get some closure in my life that's always bothered me. It's a 2 way street and I'm going to try to get something out of it. I don't even care if I get an apology or just a whatever, at least then I can close a chapter in my life forever and get closure. I haven't decided if I'm going to go for it or not, but I hope I can. The least I can do is try to do something.... whether it will work or not is a different story.

Lost

I like the fact that I'm no longer working in the restaurant industry but this whole working from home thing is just making me lonely.... especially because I have no idea what I'm suppose to actually be doing. Being home just makes me depressed because I'm alone as soon as Ryan goes to work to until i go to sleep... which is before he even comes home. I don't know why I feel so lost lately. I need to be around people to be happy or sleeping so I'm not feeling anything. I just don't know what to do or where to turn to. I want to go to the gym but I just feel like I have no energy or even happiness to go to the gym. I just can't make myself go. I'm disgusted by myself in so many ways and my appearance is most of it. I miss the unhealthy skinny I used to be. I hate how fat I am. I try to stick to diets and I just can't do it. I'm trying a new one so I'm hoping this will help a little to lose some weight before the families come out to visit. I just feel lost. I hate this feeling. Maybe this is why I ended up in the hospital. I couldn't even give a reason to why I did what I did whenever someone asks me. I am lost.