Fuck Off

I am SOOOO sick and tired of people. I feel like people are out to get me and I'm sick of it. Every time someone pops back into my life it just makes more confusion and more problems. I get hit on by guys online YET i say nothing bad about it. I am Ryan's and always will be. People need to get over me and move on. I know that sounds stuck up but it needs to end... for real. I've been so used to being used by guys that I just block it all out. I've learned to not pay attention to it. I know it's not acceptable but it's just what i've built up and I'm able to sit there and take it. I'm used to people talking to me in inappropriate ways, I've learned how to block that out as well. I shut down when I have a fight with ryan, especially about this stuff. We got into a HUGE argument the other day over one of my "friends" sitting there and hitting on me online. I never said anything bad or leading... actually I mentioned Ryan a lot and how happy I am with him. Instead my "friends" sit there and message Ryan apologizing which just opens a whole other can of worms. Some people just need to leave my life and stay out of it. I deactivated my Facebook account because I was so sick of people. I deactivated it sometime last week and haven't caved to reactivate it. I wish I had some real friends out here. I have people who are my friends but I have my close girls back home and I wish they were here.

Jill, I wish you were here. you wouldn't let anyone talk to me the way they do. you would try to beat their ass or tell them off. you're much stronger than i am. you're even stronger than me while you sit in Heaven and look over me. I truly believe you look over me just like my nana does. I miss you both terribly and it hurts everyday thinking about all of it. your mom is proud of me for the choices i've made in my life. why did you die so young? why did you leave me to fight all this by myself? i love you. i wish you were here. i often sit and wonder what we would be today. would you still be randomly popping up at my house? would you have cleaned yourself up to face a new world? when i was diagnosed bipolar, i was granted a new life. i think if you would have finished your program, you would have been granted a new life as well. a huge burden would have been lifted off your shoulders. i know you could change, you just couldn't believe in yourself because you were so angry. why did you start hanging out with all the people who weren't really your friends? why didn't you come to me for help? i was always there for you unconditionally and i still have unconditional love for you even though you're no longer here with my physically. can you please visit me in my sleep again? i hate dreaming but i am happy to see you. i feel you have used me to communicate with others. i'll never forget the dream i had and i was the only one who could see you and you just talked to me like you wanted me to tell the people around me. when we were younger, it was just me, you, tina, and jen. it was like we ruled the world when we were all together. you and i were inseparable from the moment we met. i love you. i miss you more than you'll ever know.