Look What Momma Found.... Why did you leave me so soon?

This is a note that I wrote to myself and to Jill if she could hear me from Heaven. My mom found the not I wrote while she was cleaning and redo-ing the whole house. Take a look, the first time I read this (i normally don't read random journal entries i write, i just write them) I could barely get through it. I was bawling.

Damn, lately I've been thinking about you a lot. I miss you so much it's insane. It's almost been a year since you left but I can't get over it. I haven't come to visit yet. Something about it scares me. Cemetaries scare me and make me uncomfortable. I would sit there and bawl my eyes out to you about everything. I love when you come visit me in my sleep. I miss you so much. You left me too soon. I wasn't ready. it hurts so bad to know I can't ever see you again. When I found out the news I crashed. I didn't believe it nor did I want to beileve it. I became hysterical. Everytime I think about any of it, it overwhelms me. I hate it. I hate that you're gone. I know you're better where you are now. You don't hurt anymore. You don't worry about disappoiting the people who love you. You don't worry about life. You aren't in the physicaly or psychological pain you were in for so long. I hate that you're gone. It hurts so bad. So many unanswered questions. Why did you flee? Why did you run! You were almost done and were doing awesome. Why did you have to go through so much pain thatthe end had to happen? You were almost done! Why did you Run? WHy were you found dead in that morning last November? Why didn't I get a chance to say goodbye? Why?!

JDW  08/02/1986-11/21/2006

Goodbye Boulder, Hello Great Falls

Tomorrow is the big day! Well we just leave to go to VA for christmas. it should be fun. according to the weather it's going to be in the mid 40s which is pretty cold (compared to the cold dry and sun i'm used to) so i'm basically bringing home all my long sleeved stuff. don't believe we're going out anywhere that requires nothing more than regular attire... kinda like boulder :) We don't leave until 7pm and some odd minutes so we wont get to VA until 12:34am on satruday which means we're not going to be to sleep until at least 2:30am or 3am... and might have christmas breakfast/brunch saturday morning. it'll be a busy weekend of course and i'll be all sorts of worn out because of the travel. i feel like it takes me a day or so to get used to the time change. it seems to screw me over every time it happens. i don't know if i'll be doing work when i'm there... chances are i'll have to follow once or twice. i'm going to sit down with ry's dad and show him what i don't know how to do (i.e. making JUST SOLD cards for the 3 houses he's telling me to make them for. i don't even know if he's actually made them lol. when we get back from our little vacation i am going to look for another part time/full time job so i have stuff to do and ryans going to look for a new job. he's over PF Changs and has no chance of advancement so why stay with them? i think it'll be a good move for him. he's thinking of going into real estate which will make 3 of us in that field and he'll be able to help me on some things until i get the hang of everything. apparently me entering this real estate field was the BUSIEST time for ryan's dad of the year... no wonder i have no clue what i'm doing.

Death & Dying

I feel like everyone around me is dying or has someone dying in their family. It's really hard to watch the different coping mechanisms. I couldn't imagine losing a parent... even losing my dad who really hasn't been a parent my whole life. I think of him on a friend level and it took a while to even consider him on that level. Why do deaths happen in 3s? I've already seen 3 celebrity stories about death recently, and now in the real world we're up to 1, going on 2... who's gonna be the 3rd in this situation? It's so creepy and weird about deaths in 3s....

Everyone enters your life for a reason.... why though?

Let's see, where do I begin? I took a 2 week vacation to MI because I never get to really see anyone or spend any time with people the last few times I went home. My first week home was good. Hung out with mom, relaxed, and just hung out with people who actually mean something to me. Thanksgiving was fine, nothing special. The day before Thanksgiving was awesome. It was Linz bday and it felt good to get out of the house and just go out and not care about anything. Went to the post and we all realized we weren't really into that scene except to make fun of the people at the bar. We now (ive known for me) realize we are old enough to be those people who sit at the bar and just chat it up with the bartender :) I also didn't have my license for a few days at home because I lost if at the Denver airport... that's how my vacation actually started. Couple days into week 1, I got together with Sarah Swazey, Jenna Lemorie, Danielle Riddle and Elissa Tamm to visit jill on her anniversary. it felt really nice to just go there with them and share memories or just talk about our lives. Anyway, week 2 absolutely sucked. Couple situations to throw out there, not mentioning names:

Situation 1: been friends for awhile.... years and i get a text ending a friendship (basically) which pissed me off

Situation 2: GROW SOME BALLS OF YOUR OWN. Started out a morning with some "psycho bitch" (as her bf calls her... for real) telling me that she was gonna beat my ass if she saw me in person. I simply replied with "you're bf calls you a "psycho bitch", glad you just proved your point. don't contact me again." then I went on FB and blocked her from anything important visible on my FB and i reported her for harassment for 2 different accounts. Now try fucking with me bitch...

Situation 3: Having a good day at the bar, meeting up with Dez & Todd for happy house and catching up with them (as well as Linz and her sister Lauren for a bit) I made a phone call and got news I didn't want to hear or get the news that specific way. Ended up having 2 panic attacks and just becoming severely manic and out of control

Situation 4: Ok, things happened in the past. I'm not hooking up with you. I'm in a serious relationship. Why did you pay attention to where I live considering you live here too.... actually in Aspen so far but point of story, we can be friends, we can grab drinks when you're in town... end  of story

Situation 5: ex boyfriend enters your life. Granted, when we were together we weren't in good places in our lives. things were said and we didn't talk for awhile. then once you reached out to me and apologized, we were cool. i have no problem being friends with people if they apologize (if it's needed in the situation), own up to what happened and will take time to be friends with you. Well kinda caught me off surprise when you contacted me (which don't get me wrong, i do enjoy it) and made me laugh and just had fun. You apologized too much. I understand what happened after it happened. We will never have a romantic situation (even though you're in love with me) because I am very happy in my relationship. I cherish our friendship and hopefully we'll be able to meet up sometime in the future and just go out for a good time.

Clearly, my 2nd week was full of ups and downs but mostly down. My last night in town i found out one of my best friends in college actually lived by me and NOT where I thought he did lol. We talked about memories and laughed about them. Me, Andrew & Jordan just had an awesome time just talking and us filling her in on memories that were crazy. My mom came up which made it even more fun. People see where I get so much of me from (andrew noticed) my mom... Now that she's met Andrew, she wishes he was about 40yrs older and wants him to marry KT. Andrew and I came to the conclusion (which we never thought of back then), that we dated on and off in college, just never made anything official. I guess you get wiser as you get older? It was awesome just having the whole day of happy hour with people that you love. I also helped him which I've been trying to help him for over a year now to get over or understand his ex and what happened. he has finally after a year of chatting and me playing therapist, he understands that he did nothing wrong (first step of healing!) and now he just has to get past the whole forgetting the person deal (which i have to break to him, you may never be able to forget someone for specific reasons.) It was a great way of ending my vacation, spending time with those 3 people on my last day.

I think next time I take a vacation, I'm not going for as long. Depending on where you go, sometimes 2wks is too long. I learned basically none of the girls talk to each other which is sad because all of us were such a support system to each other. I didn't get to see Julie or Jenny because our schedules clashed. Everyone's either working or in school (some of them, both) when I was home. Well, that about wraps up my vacation!

Oh airport I love thee

Got up at 4AM which sucked. Luckily somehow I'm not that tired. Nothing a grande peppermint mocha can't fix :) Off to home I go for 2weeks. Fruit and yogurt has become a new favorite of mine. I used to get them from McDonalds because it's only a dollar there and apparently at Starbucks they're only 90cents. I love having free wifi in the airports, its so useful. Like playing on the computer, blogging, watching youtube videos, playing simply hospital on facebook... you know all the important things in life haha Ok I'm bored of this and have run out of things to say! toodles!

Hello Charlotte, North Carolina

Well I'm on my long lay over... my plane actually got in early. Best part, the airport has free wifi! So I can just sit and play on the computer until it's time to board. My plane doesn't leave until 830 (i think) but boarding is at 8. I swear the guy next to me was narcoleptic... He ordered a gingerale and he was asleep before the lady even gave it to him. he kept doing it the whole flight. wake up for 2 seconds then his head would fall and he'd be out again. it was weird but quite amusing at the same time. I don't know what i would be doing if i didn't have internet at this airport. I've been facebooking and searching for airfare for KT to come home in december for christmas. it's so funny seeing people on the little airport golf carts that "assist" the people who need help walking... most of them are just fat. One thing I've noticed on this trip is there hasn't been one frickin' Starbucks in any of my terminals. I've had to walk literally from one end of the airport to the total other end of the stupid airport both times.... at Denver and at Dulles. Luckily I don't need Starbucks this late at night or else I would be on a mission to find it. I feel like it shouldn't be that heard to get a peppermint mocha... mmmm. Sadly I have to get up super early tomorrow which sucks... 740AM doc appointment blows. Although I might actually go work out afterwards just to get it out of the way or I may just go back to sleep when I get home. My appointment won't last more than 15minutes so who knows. Well I've run out of things to say, on to Denver i go!

Oh the stresses of starting a new job...

I got flown out to VA to attempt to learn more about the ins and outs of my new job as being a "virtual assistant" for Ryan's dad. I got LOTS of printouts i have to look over and figure out where the go in my nice little neatly organized binder. These time changes have killed me so I've just totally been exhausted. First I lose 2hrs then I gain 1hr... you think the gaining would have helped but it definitely hasn't helped anything with my time. To make matters worse, when I get home tomorrow probably around 11:30pm, I have a 7:40AM doctor appointment. on wednesday. That's not gonna be very fun and I probably will be half asleep driving to the appointment. This trip has been strictly business and just shadowing Bob everyday nice and early. I'm love visiting VA but I am definitely looking forward to going home to see my loves: Addie Mae & Ryan :) then 6 days later, I get to go to MI for 2weeks which I am DEFINITELY looking forward to NOT having a specific agenda and just relaxing. I need to start going to the gym and lose 20lbs. Not gonna be fun but I have to do it. I am excited to get my new tattoo when I go home then see my college friends (heather tyler andrew brian) and then of course seeing my best friend in the whole wide world kelly! Today I didn't do anything for work. I felt sick and like i was going to throw up so I spent the whole day (for the most part) in bed... Just wasn't feeling well AT ALL. I did get to see the twins/baby juliet/marie. It was fun... they haven't taken the halloween costumes off since halloween happened. Wonder what goes on in a 3yr old mind...in a 7month old mind, they like to just roll around and pose on the floor and it's quite cute! Well I'm out for now, hopefully you people who read this consider this a happier post than my last few I have done. This is the first time I'm actually trying to write a blog. I'll probably write a blog when I get to the airport tomorrow because I think i read there was free wifi or I just might pay the $5 or something since I'll be there 2hrs before.

Overcome fear and nothing will hold you back

Since I've last written things have been looking up. I'm SOOOO excited to be able to go home and just visit and see people. Not really to have an agenda is going to be amazing. I'll get to see the animals (even though I love my little Addeline), spend a holiday with my mom and see the girls. I'm even planning on spending a night or 2 on the west side of the state to see kelly, heather, tyler and andrew. I wish that time would pass so I can go home already. My moods haven't been so shifty. They put me on an antidepressant which I think has been helping. I didn't want to go on another med but I figured it would be cheaper than going to therapy as much as I would need it. I found out that I had 2 panic attacks so now I know what they feel like. I still get VERY anxious and frustrated with my new job. Luckily Ry has been  helping out as much as he can (he speaks his dads language). The antidepressant is also to take my panic/anxiety down because it's WAY too high on most of the days. I especially get anxious when I'm trying to figure out how to do my work that I'm suppose to do. I'm debating whether or not to get another job but apparently I'm entering the real estate business for Bob at one of the busiest times so he barely knows what's going on. Hopefully soon I'll understand what I'm doing. I've made a huge binder or templates and all the housing contracts he's sent me. I have to figure out the ins and outs of this Keller Williams site (he's maybe visited it once) so it's my job to figure out the site. I could call someone but I'd feel like a dumbass asking "yea, how do you work this site" when there are tutorial videos all over the site over everything. The only problem is me getting to watch them. I don't have a very large attention span unless its listening to music which actually gets me through all the rest of the computer stuff I get assigned to do... music solves everything damnit! On a different note, I'm getting a tattoo when I go home which I'm really excited about and I'm hoping Jordan can join me because it speaks of our journey of life. It's gonna hurt like a bitch because it's going on my ribs then I'll probably pass out. I should probably take  a couple of Valium when it goes on... maybe that will calm my nerves and NOT make me pass out. I also might make a move to get some closure in my life that's always bothered me. It's a 2 way street and I'm going to try to get something out of it. I don't even care if I get an apology or just a whatever, at least then I can close a chapter in my life forever and get closure. I haven't decided if I'm going to go for it or not, but I hope I can. The least I can do is try to do something.... whether it will work or not is a different story.

Lost

I like the fact that I'm no longer working in the restaurant industry but this whole working from home thing is just making me lonely.... especially because I have no idea what I'm suppose to actually be doing. Being home just makes me depressed because I'm alone as soon as Ryan goes to work to until i go to sleep... which is before he even comes home. I don't know why I feel so lost lately. I need to be around people to be happy or sleeping so I'm not feeling anything. I just don't know what to do or where to turn to. I want to go to the gym but I just feel like I have no energy or even happiness to go to the gym. I just can't make myself go. I'm disgusted by myself in so many ways and my appearance is most of it. I miss the unhealthy skinny I used to be. I hate how fat I am. I try to stick to diets and I just can't do it. I'm trying a new one so I'm hoping this will help a little to lose some weight before the families come out to visit. I just feel lost. I hate this feeling. Maybe this is why I ended up in the hospital. I couldn't even give a reason to why I did what I did whenever someone asks me. I am lost.