Fuck Off

I am SOOOO sick and tired of people. I feel like people are out to get me and I'm sick of it. Every time someone pops back into my life it just makes more confusion and more problems. I get hit on by guys online YET i say nothing bad about it. I am Ryan's and always will be. People need to get over me and move on. I know that sounds stuck up but it needs to end... for real. I've been so used to being used by guys that I just block it all out. I've learned to not pay attention to it. I know it's not acceptable but it's just what i've built up and I'm able to sit there and take it. I'm used to people talking to me in inappropriate ways, I've learned how to block that out as well. I shut down when I have a fight with ryan, especially about this stuff. We got into a HUGE argument the other day over one of my "friends" sitting there and hitting on me online. I never said anything bad or leading... actually I mentioned Ryan a lot and how happy I am with him. Instead my "friends" sit there and message Ryan apologizing which just opens a whole other can of worms. Some people just need to leave my life and stay out of it. I deactivated my Facebook account because I was so sick of people. I deactivated it sometime last week and haven't caved to reactivate it. I wish I had some real friends out here. I have people who are my friends but I have my close girls back home and I wish they were here.

Jill, I wish you were here. you wouldn't let anyone talk to me the way they do. you would try to beat their ass or tell them off. you're much stronger than i am. you're even stronger than me while you sit in Heaven and look over me. I truly believe you look over me just like my nana does. I miss you both terribly and it hurts everyday thinking about all of it. your mom is proud of me for the choices i've made in my life. why did you die so young? why did you leave me to fight all this by myself? i love you. i wish you were here. i often sit and wonder what we would be today. would you still be randomly popping up at my house? would you have cleaned yourself up to face a new world? when i was diagnosed bipolar, i was granted a new life. i think if you would have finished your program, you would have been granted a new life as well. a huge burden would have been lifted off your shoulders. i know you could change, you just couldn't believe in yourself because you were so angry. why did you start hanging out with all the people who weren't really your friends? why didn't you come to me for help? i was always there for you unconditionally and i still have unconditional love for you even though you're no longer here with my physically. can you please visit me in my sleep again? i hate dreaming but i am happy to see you. i feel you have used me to communicate with others. i'll never forget the dream i had and i was the only one who could see you and you just talked to me like you wanted me to tell the people around me. when we were younger, it was just me, you, tina, and jen. it was like we ruled the world when we were all together. you and i were inseparable from the moment we met. i love you. i miss you more than you'll ever know.

Smells Like Teen Spirit....

boo things suck. Its just the job search part that sucks. kinda stressful right now. mind has been racing. i find myself everyday trying to find different ways of numbing myself as bad as it sounds. ijust dont want to be bothered with anything or anyone. i just want to sleep in peace. have you ever used Spotify? it's awesome. my new favorite thing. you can literally listen to anything on the radio. any song, any artist any anything! its a FB app. but i believe you can just DL it. i'm not sure. i searched it on FB and came upon the app i have now. it's cool. you can see what others are listening to online and all that fun stuff. make a weird playlist or steal music ideas from peers.... which ever works for you. I have got to have the worst journal on here because it's just random shit.... haha

You Can't Stop The Beat

My mind is just racing today... more than normal for some reason. i find myself just staring at something and then stop. it's getting confusing with my dreams, i don't remember if it actually happened or was just something in my dreams that happened. it's to the point where i have to ask if something actually happened.  music seems to be the only thing that calms me and doesn't ever piss me off. i really hope i get this job at bdubs, finally go back to work and do something i think I'm relatively good at. it helps too that i've already worked for the company for 2yrs on and off. i love listening to Ronald Jenkees or Buckethead. the music is relaxing and just instrumental and kinda actually helps stop or lessen the racing thoughts. i'm trying to go to the gym 3x's a week and i've barely been eating (just not hungry much, nothing to worry about) and if i do, it's something small to eat since i've never been into actually eating meals. this post is just full of random thoughts going in and out of my brain. guess this is the only way to get it out is to write. i've become obsessed with Glee Season 7 CD and excited i got House season 7 to watch/fall asleep to. Oddly enough right now, i'm in a movie mood. i got Horrible Bosses from the Red Box yesterday because i always thought it would be a funny movie and it got good reviews... only to find that ryan already got it one time and i wasn't interested in watching... something that i don't remember. my memory is also being weird. i feel like i can't remember anything. it bothers me.

It's been awhile but I'm back in town

So it's been quite some time on updating this. Christmas was fine. Went to VA for xmas the weekend of the 17th then spent actual xmas doing nothing... besides going to iHop :) it feels nice that you aren't actually obligated to do something on xmas. not much else has been going on here. Ry and I got a MacBook Pro for xmas as a joint present. it's a pretty awesome computer but i'm still learning non-PCs lol. i once again got 2 Coach purses this year :) as well as some other awesome stuff. Ry and I got to spend our anniversary together which is a rare thing. We both didn't work New Years Eve and got to spend it together... even if we didn't do anything, it was nice :)

Look What Momma Found.... Why did you leave me so soon?

This is a note that I wrote to myself and to Jill if she could hear me from Heaven. My mom found the not I wrote while she was cleaning and redo-ing the whole house. Take a look, the first time I read this (i normally don't read random journal entries i write, i just write them) I could barely get through it. I was bawling.

Damn, lately I've been thinking about you a lot. I miss you so much it's insane. It's almost been a year since you left but I can't get over it. I haven't come to visit yet. Something about it scares me. Cemetaries scare me and make me uncomfortable. I would sit there and bawl my eyes out to you about everything. I love when you come visit me in my sleep. I miss you so much. You left me too soon. I wasn't ready. it hurts so bad to know I can't ever see you again. When I found out the news I crashed. I didn't believe it nor did I want to beileve it. I became hysterical. Everytime I think about any of it, it overwhelms me. I hate it. I hate that you're gone. I know you're better where you are now. You don't hurt anymore. You don't worry about disappoiting the people who love you. You don't worry about life. You aren't in the physicaly or psychological pain you were in for so long. I hate that you're gone. It hurts so bad. So many unanswered questions. Why did you flee? Why did you run! You were almost done and were doing awesome. Why did you have to go through so much pain thatthe end had to happen? You were almost done! Why did you Run? WHy were you found dead in that morning last November? Why didn't I get a chance to say goodbye? Why?!

JDW  08/02/1986-11/21/2006

Goodbye Boulder, Hello Great Falls

Tomorrow is the big day! Well we just leave to go to VA for christmas. it should be fun. according to the weather it's going to be in the mid 40s which is pretty cold (compared to the cold dry and sun i'm used to) so i'm basically bringing home all my long sleeved stuff. don't believe we're going out anywhere that requires nothing more than regular attire... kinda like boulder :) We don't leave until 7pm and some odd minutes so we wont get to VA until 12:34am on satruday which means we're not going to be to sleep until at least 2:30am or 3am... and might have christmas breakfast/brunch saturday morning. it'll be a busy weekend of course and i'll be all sorts of worn out because of the travel. i feel like it takes me a day or so to get used to the time change. it seems to screw me over every time it happens. i don't know if i'll be doing work when i'm there... chances are i'll have to follow once or twice. i'm going to sit down with ry's dad and show him what i don't know how to do (i.e. making JUST SOLD cards for the 3 houses he's telling me to make them for. i don't even know if he's actually made them lol. when we get back from our little vacation i am going to look for another part time/full time job so i have stuff to do and ryans going to look for a new job. he's over PF Changs and has no chance of advancement so why stay with them? i think it'll be a good move for him. he's thinking of going into real estate which will make 3 of us in that field and he'll be able to help me on some things until i get the hang of everything. apparently me entering this real estate field was the BUSIEST time for ryan's dad of the year... no wonder i have no clue what i'm doing.

Death & Dying

I feel like everyone around me is dying or has someone dying in their family. It's really hard to watch the different coping mechanisms. I couldn't imagine losing a parent... even losing my dad who really hasn't been a parent my whole life. I think of him on a friend level and it took a while to even consider him on that level. Why do deaths happen in 3s? I've already seen 3 celebrity stories about death recently, and now in the real world we're up to 1, going on 2... who's gonna be the 3rd in this situation? It's so creepy and weird about deaths in 3s....