Look What Momma Found.... Why did you leave me so soon?

This is a note that I wrote to myself and to Jill if she could hear me from Heaven. My mom found the not I wrote while she was cleaning and redo-ing the whole house. Take a look, the first time I read this (i normally don't read random journal entries i write, i just write them) I could barely get through it. I was bawling.

Damn, lately I've been thinking about you a lot. I miss you so much it's insane. It's almost been a year since you left but I can't get over it. I haven't come to visit yet. Something about it scares me. Cemetaries scare me and make me uncomfortable. I would sit there and bawl my eyes out to you about everything. I love when you come visit me in my sleep. I miss you so much. You left me too soon. I wasn't ready. it hurts so bad to know I can't ever see you again. When I found out the news I crashed. I didn't believe it nor did I want to beileve it. I became hysterical. Everytime I think about any of it, it overwhelms me. I hate it. I hate that you're gone. I know you're better where you are now. You don't hurt anymore. You don't worry about disappoiting the people who love you. You don't worry about life. You aren't in the physicaly or psychological pain you were in for so long. I hate that you're gone. It hurts so bad. So many unanswered questions. Why did you flee? Why did you run! You were almost done and were doing awesome. Why did you have to go through so much pain thatthe end had to happen? You were almost done! Why did you Run? WHy were you found dead in that morning last November? Why didn't I get a chance to say goodbye? Why?!

JDW  08/02/1986-11/21/2006

Goodbye Boulder, Hello Great Falls

Tomorrow is the big day! Well we just leave to go to VA for christmas. it should be fun. according to the weather it's going to be in the mid 40s which is pretty cold (compared to the cold dry and sun i'm used to) so i'm basically bringing home all my long sleeved stuff. don't believe we're going out anywhere that requires nothing more than regular attire... kinda like boulder :) We don't leave until 7pm and some odd minutes so we wont get to VA until 12:34am on satruday which means we're not going to be to sleep until at least 2:30am or 3am... and might have christmas breakfast/brunch saturday morning. it'll be a busy weekend of course and i'll be all sorts of worn out because of the travel. i feel like it takes me a day or so to get used to the time change. it seems to screw me over every time it happens. i don't know if i'll be doing work when i'm there... chances are i'll have to follow once or twice. i'm going to sit down with ry's dad and show him what i don't know how to do (i.e. making JUST SOLD cards for the 3 houses he's telling me to make them for. i don't even know if he's actually made them lol. when we get back from our little vacation i am going to look for another part time/full time job so i have stuff to do and ryans going to look for a new job. he's over PF Changs and has no chance of advancement so why stay with them? i think it'll be a good move for him. he's thinking of going into real estate which will make 3 of us in that field and he'll be able to help me on some things until i get the hang of everything. apparently me entering this real estate field was the BUSIEST time for ryan's dad of the year... no wonder i have no clue what i'm doing.

Death & Dying

I feel like everyone around me is dying or has someone dying in their family. It's really hard to watch the different coping mechanisms. I couldn't imagine losing a parent... even losing my dad who really hasn't been a parent my whole life. I think of him on a friend level and it took a while to even consider him on that level. Why do deaths happen in 3s? I've already seen 3 celebrity stories about death recently, and now in the real world we're up to 1, going on 2... who's gonna be the 3rd in this situation? It's so creepy and weird about deaths in 3s....

Everyone enters your life for a reason.... why though?

Let's see, where do I begin? I took a 2 week vacation to MI because I never get to really see anyone or spend any time with people the last few times I went home. My first week home was good. Hung out with mom, relaxed, and just hung out with people who actually mean something to me. Thanksgiving was fine, nothing special. The day before Thanksgiving was awesome. It was Linz bday and it felt good to get out of the house and just go out and not care about anything. Went to the post and we all realized we weren't really into that scene except to make fun of the people at the bar. We now (ive known for me) realize we are old enough to be those people who sit at the bar and just chat it up with the bartender :) I also didn't have my license for a few days at home because I lost if at the Denver airport... that's how my vacation actually started. Couple days into week 1, I got together with Sarah Swazey, Jenna Lemorie, Danielle Riddle and Elissa Tamm to visit jill on her anniversary. it felt really nice to just go there with them and share memories or just talk about our lives. Anyway, week 2 absolutely sucked. Couple situations to throw out there, not mentioning names:

Situation 1: been friends for awhile.... years and i get a text ending a friendship (basically) which pissed me off

Situation 2: GROW SOME BALLS OF YOUR OWN. Started out a morning with some "psycho bitch" (as her bf calls her... for real) telling me that she was gonna beat my ass if she saw me in person. I simply replied with "you're bf calls you a "psycho bitch", glad you just proved your point. don't contact me again." then I went on FB and blocked her from anything important visible on my FB and i reported her for harassment for 2 different accounts. Now try fucking with me bitch...

Situation 3: Having a good day at the bar, meeting up with Dez & Todd for happy house and catching up with them (as well as Linz and her sister Lauren for a bit) I made a phone call and got news I didn't want to hear or get the news that specific way. Ended up having 2 panic attacks and just becoming severely manic and out of control

Situation 4: Ok, things happened in the past. I'm not hooking up with you. I'm in a serious relationship. Why did you pay attention to where I live considering you live here too.... actually in Aspen so far but point of story, we can be friends, we can grab drinks when you're in town... end  of story

Situation 5: ex boyfriend enters your life. Granted, when we were together we weren't in good places in our lives. things were said and we didn't talk for awhile. then once you reached out to me and apologized, we were cool. i have no problem being friends with people if they apologize (if it's needed in the situation), own up to what happened and will take time to be friends with you. Well kinda caught me off surprise when you contacted me (which don't get me wrong, i do enjoy it) and made me laugh and just had fun. You apologized too much. I understand what happened after it happened. We will never have a romantic situation (even though you're in love with me) because I am very happy in my relationship. I cherish our friendship and hopefully we'll be able to meet up sometime in the future and just go out for a good time.

Clearly, my 2nd week was full of ups and downs but mostly down. My last night in town i found out one of my best friends in college actually lived by me and NOT where I thought he did lol. We talked about memories and laughed about them. Me, Andrew & Jordan just had an awesome time just talking and us filling her in on memories that were crazy. My mom came up which made it even more fun. People see where I get so much of me from (andrew noticed) my mom... Now that she's met Andrew, she wishes he was about 40yrs older and wants him to marry KT. Andrew and I came to the conclusion (which we never thought of back then), that we dated on and off in college, just never made anything official. I guess you get wiser as you get older? It was awesome just having the whole day of happy hour with people that you love. I also helped him which I've been trying to help him for over a year now to get over or understand his ex and what happened. he has finally after a year of chatting and me playing therapist, he understands that he did nothing wrong (first step of healing!) and now he just has to get past the whole forgetting the person deal (which i have to break to him, you may never be able to forget someone for specific reasons.) It was a great way of ending my vacation, spending time with those 3 people on my last day.

I think next time I take a vacation, I'm not going for as long. Depending on where you go, sometimes 2wks is too long. I learned basically none of the girls talk to each other which is sad because all of us were such a support system to each other. I didn't get to see Julie or Jenny because our schedules clashed. Everyone's either working or in school (some of them, both) when I was home. Well, that about wraps up my vacation!