Don'tcha Know?

So it's been pretty long since I've updated this damn thing but here I go!

I left Buffalo Wild Wings because I wasn't making any money... it was beyond horrible. I never really felt like I  "belonged" there when I was there. I kinda felt like I was alone for the most part. I've started a new job & its going well. I have finally left the serving world and returned to the hotel world! With this new job I have found out that I enjoy working overnight MUCH better than anytime during the day. At night I'm up so now I get to get paid while being up all night :0) It's my first "full time" job so I hope I can handle it.... the nice part is that I get decent steady pay and a steady schedule.... not to mention a sweet hotel discount.

Last Saturday we went to a wedding for one of Ryan's best friends from his childhood. It was really small and intimate - definitely the smallest I've ever been to - but it was really nice. Everyone just seemed happy and stress free during the wedding, that was nice to see. We got a hotel room downtown for it which was also nice. We don't normally get to go anywhere (mainly because $$ & miss addie mae) or hang out that much (because of our schedules) so it was nice to get out for a night just the two of us.

All in all, my life still isn't that exciting but I'm doing alright :)

It's hard to dance with the devil on your back so shake it off...

So it's been ages since i've actually updated this thing but here i go!

I quit bdubs.... made no money working there and got basically no hours, not to mention i needed to get the hell out of the restaurant industry. I just recently got a job working at hotel (here i go again) working at the front desk. my hours aren't really going to be too "normal" but then again, i'm not normal haha good thing is i'll have steady hours (40hr/week), benefits and steady pay :) not to mention badass hotel discounts. my disability still hasn't gone through.... all the times i called them they said they didn't need anything else then i get something MORE to fill out yesterday in the mail? fuck you disability. luckily i won't need it once i start working and get my benefits. i've been pretty up and down lately for some reason. my anxiety is through the roof (thanks brain, you suck). i would think the older i get, the less anxiety i would get but thats surely not the case. a couple years ago i didn't even know what anxiety was (even though i was feeling it a LOT) and now i feel like it never goes away. it's really messing with my sleep lately. i was sleeping alright for awhile and the past few nights i haven't been able to fall asleep or stay asleep. i train tonight for work from 7p-3a and i'm thinking of just going to the gym after work and trying to pull an all nighter.... but we'll see how that works out. i really need to get in shape. i have kept off 8-10lbs since march which is nice but i need to tone and just get into a routine so i can get in shape. i was also thinking of going on a gluten free diet to try it but not too sure if that will work. i don't cook nor do i ever have $$ to buy food..... and i basically live off noodles.

Fear

So things have been looking up for the most part. Ryan and I have been spending more time together which is very good. Now, onto the shitty stuff. First my car decides not to work. It just stops. I can't even describe what it does besides just stop lol. So then I go and try to fill 2 of my prescriptions and found out that I no longer have insurance.... awesome. This all means I can't fill any of my meds until my disability comes through. I'm actually pretty scared I will spiral out of control either fast or slow. I am just now experiencing a cycle which I have't had in a LONG time. I can't even remember the last time I cycled. Without my meds, I'll probably go through some horrible withdrawal symptoms which I am afraid of. I'm afraid my anxiety will sky rocket sometime soon. Another bad thing, my face should start breaking out somewhat soon because I can't fill my birth control which controlled my acne as well. I started going to a group every other week but since I won't be on my meds I'll be going to it every week so I can stay sane. I feel so euphoric when I come home from my meetings. Usually we have people over or I have a bad day or something to the point where I don't want to go but I know I should. From now on, I'm going every week so I can have somewhere to go that's safe, a place to cry, a place to relate to the others (most of the group is Bipolar or unspecified mood disorder) because everyone has experienced something similar in the past few years. I purposely took off Sunday nights so I can go to the meetings and not miss. I know it's going to be a good thing. Maybe then I'll find out how to cope without my old methods...

Hell on Heels

Heyo! My mood has been a little better since I filed my taxes... because I know I'm getting a fair amount back which will be nice. My first plan is to register my car and do all that crap FINALLY after more than a year of living here. Then it's time to pay bills and such until I get a job. The snow is finally melting so Monday I'm going to start my job hunt again. I wish a miracle would just happen and I would land a job.... and maybe a real job. I'm finished getting my hopes up about jobs. I'm gonna treat everyone the same and have NO expectations. If you don't have expectations you can't ever be disappointed or pissed at least that's the way I think of it. I just need to get out of the house. These previous weeks have been horrible. I missed my meeting Sunday because we were watching the Superbowl. I AM going this Sunday. I'm trying to make myself since it's built up of peers talking to peers - not to mention I'm pretty sure I have to keep getting treatment because of me filing for disability. Only thing that really sucks, well two things, is 1) the time it takes for disability to go through and 2) they prefer me not to work at all (according to one interviewer) but the first person I talked to told me I can (or have to... not sure) work a minimum of 5hrs.... then they say I CAN'T work more than 20... which I think will be easy. My problem is when I'm working in restaurant business I tend to pick up doubles for more money or a shift on a day I don't work. I recently reactivated my FB account and things are alright. Trying not to spend much time on it because sometimes it just gets depressing.

Last night I ended up going to the Nuggets game with Ryan because our neighbor wasn't feeling good. It was really nice just going out and getting all dolled up (hey, I don't go out much so its fun to get dolled up). My make up, cute clothes, and heels have to get used at sometime and last night was an opportunity. I also met Ty Lawson for the first time. Ryan has known him for the past year and I've never met him so it was finally nice to meet him. It also felt pretty cool to go down to the bench and meet him. We had "family/guest" passes for after the game but we just left to go home. Even though the Nuggets lost - it was a nice "date" night :) Randomly thinking, the good thing about FB is the Spotify app it has and it's now on my desktop and I can listen to songs without listening to youtube or worrying about watching the videos (although I do enjoy watching endless amounts of music videos). Tonight is Megan's birthday so were going to a show at the brewery she works at!

It's Not Like You To Leave In The Middle Of A Song

I don't know what's up with me lately. I have no money. I can't find a damn job. I barely leave the house. I don't really hang out with anyone. I haven't smiled in days, maybe weeks. I'm just giving up on myself. I went to my first support group which was nice. The were only 4 of us but it was fine. We basically just talked about random things in our life and how we experience the same things as each other. It was actually quite comforting. There's no real therapist, it's just peer to peer support group. I hate job searching more than anyone knows. I had 2 good leads then they just fizzled away. It's super annoying when that happens and just makes me more depressed. Even if I were to search everyday and hit every place in boulder I wouldn't find a damn job. I hate being jobless. I hate knowing the fact I have no money to go out or even leave my house for that reason. Ryan and I have just been fighting basically non stop because of the stress that the finances leave us. We're going through a rough patch which blows. If I had a job, this all would probably stop. Granted my anxiety would be pretty high up there when I start a new job but at least I'll have money. He made me file for disability so I'm still waiting for all that stupid shit to go through. I have no idea when I'll get money. It makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit knowing the fact I can't help out with bills or pay anything. I can't pay to go out for dinner, I can't go out with my friends at night. I can't do anything without a job or without money. Everything just sucks right now. I'm in such a funk I feel like I'm never going to get out of it. I see no light at the tunnel. I still haven't reactivated my facebook account. I feel like that would just make me more depressed if I see what everyone else is up to. Without facebook, no one can randomly contact me out of nowhere and my relationship won't get destroyed. I've figured out facebook for the most part sucks. I love seeing what my friends are up to and playing the games on there but seeing "models" and all these nice pictures it just makes me depressed. I'm extremely depressed. I can't remember the time I felt like this. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed. Mostly I just wish I could sleep all the time. That way I don't see anyone or have to fight with anyone or even talk to anyone. I could only wish....

Fuck Off

I am SOOOO sick and tired of people. I feel like people are out to get me and I'm sick of it. Every time someone pops back into my life it just makes more confusion and more problems. I get hit on by guys online YET i say nothing bad about it. I am Ryan's and always will be. People need to get over me and move on. I know that sounds stuck up but it needs to end... for real. I've been so used to being used by guys that I just block it all out. I've learned to not pay attention to it. I know it's not acceptable but it's just what i've built up and I'm able to sit there and take it. I'm used to people talking to me in inappropriate ways, I've learned how to block that out as well. I shut down when I have a fight with ryan, especially about this stuff. We got into a HUGE argument the other day over one of my "friends" sitting there and hitting on me online. I never said anything bad or leading... actually I mentioned Ryan a lot and how happy I am with him. Instead my "friends" sit there and message Ryan apologizing which just opens a whole other can of worms. Some people just need to leave my life and stay out of it. I deactivated my Facebook account because I was so sick of people. I deactivated it sometime last week and haven't caved to reactivate it. I wish I had some real friends out here. I have people who are my friends but I have my close girls back home and I wish they were here.

Jill, I wish you were here. you wouldn't let anyone talk to me the way they do. you would try to beat their ass or tell them off. you're much stronger than i am. you're even stronger than me while you sit in Heaven and look over me. I truly believe you look over me just like my nana does. I miss you both terribly and it hurts everyday thinking about all of it. your mom is proud of me for the choices i've made in my life. why did you die so young? why did you leave me to fight all this by myself? i love you. i wish you were here. i often sit and wonder what we would be today. would you still be randomly popping up at my house? would you have cleaned yourself up to face a new world? when i was diagnosed bipolar, i was granted a new life. i think if you would have finished your program, you would have been granted a new life as well. a huge burden would have been lifted off your shoulders. i know you could change, you just couldn't believe in yourself because you were so angry. why did you start hanging out with all the people who weren't really your friends? why didn't you come to me for help? i was always there for you unconditionally and i still have unconditional love for you even though you're no longer here with my physically. can you please visit me in my sleep again? i hate dreaming but i am happy to see you. i feel you have used me to communicate with others. i'll never forget the dream i had and i was the only one who could see you and you just talked to me like you wanted me to tell the people around me. when we were younger, it was just me, you, tina, and jen. it was like we ruled the world when we were all together. you and i were inseparable from the moment we met. i love you. i miss you more than you'll ever know.

Smells Like Teen Spirit....

boo things suck. Its just the job search part that sucks. kinda stressful right now. mind has been racing. i find myself everyday trying to find different ways of numbing myself as bad as it sounds. ijust dont want to be bothered with anything or anyone. i just want to sleep in peace. have you ever used Spotify? it's awesome. my new favorite thing. you can literally listen to anything on the radio. any song, any artist any anything! its a FB app. but i believe you can just DL it. i'm not sure. i searched it on FB and came upon the app i have now. it's cool. you can see what others are listening to online and all that fun stuff. make a weird playlist or steal music ideas from peers.... which ever works for you. I have got to have the worst journal on here because it's just random shit.... haha