Hell on Heels

Heyo! My mood has been a little better since I filed my taxes... because I know I'm getting a fair amount back which will be nice. My first plan is to register my car and do all that crap FINALLY after more than a year of living here. Then it's time to pay bills and such until I get a job. The snow is finally melting so Monday I'm going to start my job hunt again. I wish a miracle would just happen and I would land a job.... and maybe a real job. I'm finished getting my hopes up about jobs. I'm gonna treat everyone the same and have NO expectations. If you don't have expectations you can't ever be disappointed or pissed at least that's the way I think of it. I just need to get out of the house. These previous weeks have been horrible. I missed my meeting Sunday because we were watching the Superbowl. I AM going this Sunday. I'm trying to make myself since it's built up of peers talking to peers - not to mention I'm pretty sure I have to keep getting treatment because of me filing for disability. Only thing that really sucks, well two things, is 1) the time it takes for disability to go through and 2) they prefer me not to work at all (according to one interviewer) but the first person I talked to told me I can (or have to... not sure) work a minimum of 5hrs.... then they say I CAN'T work more than 20... which I think will be easy. My problem is when I'm working in restaurant business I tend to pick up doubles for more money or a shift on a day I don't work. I recently reactivated my FB account and things are alright. Trying not to spend much time on it because sometimes it just gets depressing.

Last night I ended up going to the Nuggets game with Ryan because our neighbor wasn't feeling good. It was really nice just going out and getting all dolled up (hey, I don't go out much so its fun to get dolled up). My make up, cute clothes, and heels have to get used at sometime and last night was an opportunity. I also met Ty Lawson for the first time. Ryan has known him for the past year and I've never met him so it was finally nice to meet him. It also felt pretty cool to go down to the bench and meet him. We had "family/guest" passes for after the game but we just left to go home. Even though the Nuggets lost - it was a nice "date" night :) Randomly thinking, the good thing about FB is the Spotify app it has and it's now on my desktop and I can listen to songs without listening to youtube or worrying about watching the videos (although I do enjoy watching endless amounts of music videos). Tonight is Megan's birthday so were going to a show at the brewery she works at!

It's Not Like You To Leave In The Middle Of A Song

I don't know what's up with me lately. I have no money. I can't find a damn job. I barely leave the house. I don't really hang out with anyone. I haven't smiled in days, maybe weeks. I'm just giving up on myself. I went to my first support group which was nice. The were only 4 of us but it was fine. We basically just talked about random things in our life and how we experience the same things as each other. It was actually quite comforting. There's no real therapist, it's just peer to peer support group. I hate job searching more than anyone knows. I had 2 good leads then they just fizzled away. It's super annoying when that happens and just makes me more depressed. Even if I were to search everyday and hit every place in boulder I wouldn't find a damn job. I hate being jobless. I hate knowing the fact I have no money to go out or even leave my house for that reason. Ryan and I have just been fighting basically non stop because of the stress that the finances leave us. We're going through a rough patch which blows. If I had a job, this all would probably stop. Granted my anxiety would be pretty high up there when I start a new job but at least I'll have money. He made me file for disability so I'm still waiting for all that stupid shit to go through. I have no idea when I'll get money. It makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit knowing the fact I can't help out with bills or pay anything. I can't pay to go out for dinner, I can't go out with my friends at night. I can't do anything without a job or without money. Everything just sucks right now. I'm in such a funk I feel like I'm never going to get out of it. I see no light at the tunnel. I still haven't reactivated my facebook account. I feel like that would just make me more depressed if I see what everyone else is up to. Without facebook, no one can randomly contact me out of nowhere and my relationship won't get destroyed. I've figured out facebook for the most part sucks. I love seeing what my friends are up to and playing the games on there but seeing "models" and all these nice pictures it just makes me depressed. I'm extremely depressed. I can't remember the time I felt like this. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed. Mostly I just wish I could sleep all the time. That way I don't see anyone or have to fight with anyone or even talk to anyone. I could only wish....